Why do people fawn?

I see the Fawn response in many of my clients. Common traits include:

*Total neglect of personal needs and boundaries

*Giving constant praise and compliments, even if it is not authentic

*Inability to say “no”

*Being a people pleaser

*Having no sense of personal identity

*Hypervigilance and awareness of others moods and emotions

*Unaware of one's own emotions and feelings

*Looks to others to find answer to how the feel or “should” feel

*Makes themselves as helpful and useful as possible to others

*Grants every wish and demand of others

*Feeling guilty when not being helpful or able to fulfil someone’s request

Why Do People Fawn?

A child exposed to repeated stressors may try different tactics to protect themselves. Some people may turn into fighters, or learn to dissociate or freeze. Some run, and others learn to “handle” the stress by giving in to every demand and making themselves useful. The fawn response is a response to a threat by becoming more appealing to the threat.

A healthy upbringing allows individuals to access all four of the Fs, when appropriate. But an unhealthy upbringing may cause individuals to get stuck in a habitual F.

Childhood experiences that may lead to the fawn response:

*You had an overly busy or stressed parent so you learned to downplay your needs to ensure you weren't increasing their overwhelm

*You learned to appease an overpowering o abusive sibling by always agreeing with them even when you knew they were in the wrong, letting them win games and doing everything you could to avoid conflict and make life easier

*When your parents were upset, you learned that doing something for them like tidying/ cleaning, complimenting them or generally taking an interest in their day would out them in a better mood

*You had a parent who was oppressive/violent/ a bully towards other family members so you learned to diffuse the situation by redirecting their attention/ feelings onto you

*You had a parent who was overly critical or believed that there was always something you could have done differently, even on occasions when you were the victim of the situation. ("And what did YOU do about it?")

This default behaviour pattern can ripple into other relationships, regardless of whether they are healthy relationships or a relationship you still need. Fawning may continue out of habit, to continue to avoid a threat, or because of a belief that you are only lovable if you are being useful or bolstering the other person. Fawning habits can bleed into both personal and professional relationships leading to an overly full plate and neglecting self-care.

People pleasers will be perceived by others as reliable, understanding, productive, organised, motivated, polite, helpful, attentive and loyal, however deep inside they seek validation and are very likely self-critical, disconnected, resentful, lost, burnt out, lonely and anxious with a negative self image and low self worth.

However, the habits you’ve developed from your past do not have to be a life sentence. You can learn new mechanisms and unlearn old ones.

Techniques used in therapy to combat a hyperactive fawn response:

*Talk therapy to get to the root cause and develop strategies to resolve it

*Help client acknowledge that this response once served and protected them

*Boundary setting exercises

*Learning to say no

*Help client recognise which relationships no longer serves them and let them go

*Examine client’s self-worth